How we receive the revelations of ADHD’s impact on our lives, like all other revelations, will dictate whether we carry the weight of old habits or develop newer, healthier ones. For those diagnosed late in life with ADHD the revelations of it’s impact may unfold over years.

For me, diagnosed at 43, a lifetime of stress, late nights, and last minute work created a subconscious belief that the value of my "hard work” only happened when I was suffering. This devastating revelation was the key I needed to move forward with healthier habits around work.

Revelations in life often happen when you’re seeking to understand yourself or your world. They are the “Aha!” moment that can feel both good and bad. “I’m really good at this!’ or “I don’t like how I look.” These moments often create a challenge before us depending on how much discomfort we feel. Learning to step into the discomfort, vs becoming stuck by it, is a powerful skill anyone can develop.

I’m going to illustrate how I utilized a process I use in coaching, the four A’s, to move through and grow from a particularly difficult revelation about my life with ADHD. This is a fundamental process all us humans use to SUCCEED at life

Let’s start with the stressful problem that helped me find this nasty revelation…..

MONEY - Here’s a pile of stress to chew on!

My wife and I bought the life we have now through hard work and money. When I set out to fix my life and improve my family’s I quit working a six figure job in an enviable career to stave off the disaster I saw ahead of us. A disaster my daughter did not deserve. The mental and emotional work required to avoid that disaster was immeasurable and priceless…..sort of. In order to plow through it all I used some of our savings to cover not “working,” in the traditional nine to five sense.

As I emerge from that epoch of my life I step into recreating the financial safety we need as a newly recreated man, husband, and father. There is so much more BALANCE in our lives now which is a daily juggling act to not over or under do. This is something us ADHD’ers struggle with.

To counter that I had to learn a whole new skillset of awareness and metacognition to achieve that balance. What most people do automatically to move through life, we ADHD’ers have to do consciously, requiring way more energy! Yes, this is why we’re always tired.

Thus, the way the money is brought in now needs to be adjusted, or balanced, with the AWARENESS of the ADHD in the room. On this particular day I’m looking on job sites for something to pad my short term income while allowing more meaningful time for family and my business.

And I’m freaking the fuck out!

AWARENESS: Be Curious to find the problem.

My criteria of work to pad my income in the short term was focused on simple, hourly work, that wouldn’t be as draining as the work I did in the video game industry. (Even more draining when considering I was managing with undiagnosed ADHD too!) There’s a huge difference in cognitive drain working part time at Trader Joes’ (Grocery store) vs leading a 30 person team!

And so there I was looking at this job at Trader Joe’s of all things freaking out. And I mean really freaking out, can’t get through applications, needing to take breaks. This sudden FEAR looking at job sites went on for weeks and I couldn’t seem to get over it!

Finally my wife sat me down and asked, “What’s going on?”

And I started crying as I realized how much fear was in me from a lifetime of normalized struggle living with my undiagnosed ADHD. I didn’t want to go back to the constant stress and anxiety of work. I don’t want to be the “asshole” who’s snapping at my family because I’m bottling up all the emotions to get work done. I don’t want to go back to the lack of self worth that allowed people to take advantage of me. I don’t want to be exhausted all the time with nothing left at the end of the day for myself or my family. I don’t want to abandon my daughter again, a little version of me, because I’m drained from work.

And it got trickier when my wife said, “But why would you think that would happen at these types of jobs? You have all new skills and coping mechanisms and we’re in a better place to keep any of that from happening right?”

Yes! Right! This all made sense. The jobs I was looking at were very manageable, didn’t require time from me after work, and were, by comparison, much easier. So why is all the fear coming up that doesn’t match the situation!? (Like could there be a better example of PTSD?!) Time to get curious!

Don’t look in the bright places. If the answer was there you would already know it. Look in the shadows.

The thread amongst all my fears boiled down to a statement, “I’m afraid of overdoing it.”

I asked myself, what does “overdoing it” mean? <—That! This is where the revelation began to unfold.

“Overdoing it” for me was how I perceived “getting work done.” I realized that all my success in life at “getting work done” came during all night, caffeine fueled, cram sessions riddled with anxiety. “Getting work done” in college meant leaving my job waiting tables at 12am to stay up all night drawing, only to get 45 min of sleep on the train before class. “Getting work done” meant staying at the office till 3am regularly to catch up on work. “Getting work done” meant hyper-focusing on inconsequential details that dragged out the scope of my work. ”Getting work done” meant stress, anxiety, physical and mental exhaustion, feeling nauseous from lack of sleep, and lack of socializing. It meant more self-imposed isolation so I could focus.

“Getting work done” meant suffering.

That suffering to keep up and do a good job, which everyone else around me seemed to have an easier time of, was well rewarded. As a kid I got good grades and happy parents. Later the rewards turned into money and career, and even sexual interest from both men and women. Accomplishment is attractive!

What I learned through this sudden AWARENESS was the VALUE of my work and thus myself, was tied to the degree of suffering I had to endure.

Now we all suffer through work in some manner to take care of our basic needs and fulfill our wants. The difference is for people with ADHD, all our work is often compressed into situationally appropriate bursts often brought on by anxiety and stress. And thanks to a fun neurochemical dance in our brains it’s that stress that helps us focus. And so, our work becomes compressed into short spans of time which can look, to the outside observer, as both “lazy” and “overdoing it.”

Stress = Focus = “Get work done” = Suffering = Reward and Value.

ACCEPTANCE: How do I move forward on the problem?

This is where we step into the discomfort.

For me, in this moment, that discomfort is an overwhelming sadness that my value and the value of the work I do, is so tightly wound up with my suffering. In reverse, this meant I have to be suffering to see my work and myself as valuable. When looking at these jobs I was seeing “work,” no matter how easy, as all those years of suffering.

If only someone had helped me, had told me, it didn’t have to be that way. How much pain could I have avoided if I had learned how to spread out work more effectively by understanding myself better? And how much pain could I have avoided causing my family by coming home at regular hours or managing my stress better? This moment is a mountain of sadness for me of what could have been.

And yet I can see now how much better I handle sadness. In the past, sadness of this magnitude would consume me for days. I’d dwell on what could have been, my self-inflicted wounds, and my victimhood. I would often struggle to contain my anger that loved to cover my sadness. But now, with practice, I navigate sadness without being overwhelmed. Taking time off to fix my life has taught me to sit with discomfort and have faith in the relief waiting on the other side.

Your skill being present with and moving through discomfort, when honed, creates an unstoppable force.

ACTION: Time to plan!

MY SUCCESS PLAN: This is where you create a short plan that works for you to assist the changes you want to make.

Practice applying to jobs even if you don’t want them or find them upsetting. Keep stepping into the fear to deflate it.
Use this opportunity to be more creative in how you bring in money by doing it your way!
I love putting notes on walls where I need a reminder so this one will go over my laptop where I work:

The thing I stress to my ADHD clients is acceptance that our brains tend to forget things. This may leave our habits to continue unabated. If you externalize the goals, changes, or statements that will remind and empower you, then you can catch yourself when your old habits come back.

IF I STRUGGLE PLAN: This thought process is a habit long ingrained in my life. It’s going to take time to shift my thinking and my emotional responses. A backup plan can help keep you motivated. Afterall, if you’re using your backup plan then you’re still succeeding at the change you want!

Go for a long walk if you’re stressed with an intent to expand your awareness beyond your current struggle. I personally find this very calming. AKA - “Get out of your head!”
Get support: Talk with the wife! She knows what you’re struggling with and can support you.
Remind yourself you’re still kicking ass but in a healthier, more consistent way now. This is just one more hurdle of many you’ve already overcome. This feels good!
Remember that just because work is spread out now and more manageable doesn’t mean it has less value. You’re still kicking ass! AKA - AWESOMENESS!

Developing a new sense of balance in your life takes time. Be kind to yourself.

Awesomeness: How does this success inform future success?

First I feel way better! Great even! - That right there tells me a couple of things:

It was worth the discomfort of finding and holding all that sadness for a couple of days as I pondered it’s significance in my life without falling apart.
That discomfort and sadness didn’t last, instead turning into insightful growth. Often when we’re in the uncomfortable feelings “now” feels like forever.

This revelation also helped me understand the feeling I’ve had for the past year that I’m not getting enough done despite being productive every day of the week. What gives? It turns out I was judging the work I did against that past intensity of last minute sprints. I was holding on to a sense of guilt because work was more comfortable. Thanks brain!

How can I use these feelings to pull me forward in the future?

I’m going to remember how light and relieved I felt after I sorted out this revelation. I also feel strong knowing how capable I am now at moving through discomfort, even welcoming it, as a messenger of growth. I went from kicking ass in the past to kicking ass now in a more BALANCED and healthier way for me and my family. How AWESOME is that!?

Your chances of SUCCESS are far improved if you’re chasing a reward that feels good vs avoiding something that doesn’t.

As a side note I encourage you to try the above statement in your own life. Look for something you’re only doing to avoid an outcome. (Paying bills last minute, avoiding a tough conversation, cleaning, etc.) Now, replace that negative outcome you’re avoiding with a positive one. Imagine how good you will feel getting it done! How much stress can you avoid if you do the thing now vs putting it off. How great could that feel? Does that make “doing the difficult” thing easier? Do you feel like you’re in control vs the difficult thing you’re avoiding?

Conclusion: Embrace Discomfort

Moments of revelation in our lives can bring with them vast volumes of discomfort. That discomfort may either hold us back if avoided or move us forward if embraced. How you perceive an uncomfortable revelation and what you choose to do with it is up to you!

When these moments are uncomfortable it’s very easy to shy from them. We are naturally created to avoid discomfort. Unfortunately this means we often get stuck in old habits and beliefs as we are too afraid or unwilling to be uncomfortable. When we step into discomfort we create the opportunity for change.
For those of us diagnosed with ADHD later in life, these revelations can take years to unfold. When seen as opportunities for clarity and growth they can free us to develop new, healthier habits. Embrace the discomfort!

If you’ve been diagnosed late in life and you’re struggling to make sense of ADHD’s impact on your life know that there’s help and community out there. Your ability to adjust to this revelation will take time but know that the life you want is still possible. I didn’t do this alone and neither should you!

Your Value is not Your Suffering.