Managing social impulsivity and how a lack of doing so landed me a TV commercial for Sega.
Impulsivity as a STRENGTH:
Conversations are gateways to opportunity. Your impulsivity can lead to amazing opportunities in the right place and time. Knowing how to manage it when it’s not appropriate, especially in conversations, allows you more opportunity.
Back when I was an undiagnosed 16 year old with ADHD , I was cold called by an ad agency looking for kids to be in promotional videos for the company SEGA. They had my information because I had actually taken the time to fill out the warranty information for my new Sega Genesis! Totally whacky!
Us ADHD’ers often love new experiences and walking into an office in San Francisco with a video camera and 10 people behind it was VERY new to me. I totally recall what happened next and how my ADHD’ness was allowed to go nuts!
The jist was they’d give me a line and I had to “enthusiastically” say it into the camera. The lines were things like, “Sega is awesome!” Or, “The Sega Genesis blows Nintendo out of the water!”
The moment I became comfortable in what I was supposed to do I began to ham it up! I began repeating the lines several times, un-asked I might add, trying to find new and different ways to deliver them. This was totally the way to do it because the people in that office lit up. I was totally interrupting the guy giving me lines with new versions of what they were giving me. When they’d start discussing other possible things to say or do I’d interject my own ideas. This was a great situation for enthusiasm! I even started doing impressions, again un-asked, that I’d seen on Saturday Night Live. Like I said, right place, right time, ADHD as a strength!
That’s baby faced 16 year old me on the cover of an internal brochure for SEGA’s new light gun the “Menacer.” They felt this was a cool outfit. I remember not agreeing with that sentiment.
My dad had accompanied me and he often tells this story from a point of amazement in how I had this room of random strangers laughing over and over with my hijinks. Remember, as a parent of an undiagnosed kid he was seeing all my “annoying” or “impatient” behavior impress people instead of frustrate them.
In the end I was the number one pick by the company owner and was invited to participate in several videos. These videos played in those demo kiosks in the video game sections of stores. (If you’re old enough to remember those?) I was sort of famous at school because people would come up to me and tell me they knew me from somewhere. There’s also the brochure (My one modeling gig!) for the “Menacer” light gun where I pulled the above picture from.
Two seconds of one of these videos was used in a nationwide commercial which you can see HERE. I’m the kid saying, “Gotta beat the level, gotta beat the level!”
Now, as an adult with ADHD I can very confidently say it was right time, right place, right kid with ADHD impulsivity that made me the number one pick of the advertising agency. ADHD success is often situational.
Managing Impulsivity as an adult:
Managing impulsivity, especially in social situations is always a topic within the ADHD world that will never go away. Particularly in conversations. Interrupting people or dominating conversations can go from “charming” or “entertaining” to “annoying” and “tiresome” quickly.
If you’re not paying attention to what you’re saying and doing PLUS the facial expressions, tone of voice, emotional awareness of the group, body language, who is talking when and what they’re talking about, it can go from fun to regret fast.
The sheer volume of cognitive awareness and juggling we have to perform in a conversation to stay focused make succeeding at it often near impossible! Improving our chance of success must include this fact.
We will fail. We will interrupt or take over a conversation even when we don’t mean to. This is the big ACCEPTANCE piece of having ADHD. Therefore it’s not only the tactics to manage yourself during social situations but ALSO how you recover from your missteps that matter. Here’s a few tips I’ve learned that work for me or others that can help you manage conversations better even when you don’t.
Tips for managing impulsivity in conversations:
In my Coaching practice I often focus on skills that are situationally interchangeable. This is why the list begins with metacognition as it is the most interchangeable strategy to manage your ADHD.
The by-product of metacognition when in use is the slowing down of your brain as it pays attention to the details. In a conversation this can help reduce the opportunity for “rapid fire responding” which us ADHD’ers tend to do. I don’t know about you but when I’ve got my brain running in a lower gear, doing more work by paying better attention, I succeed more!
Practice METACOGNITION: Think about what you’re thinking about and why. Think about what you’re doing and why. This may sound like a lot but I promise you it’s doable and key to succeeding as a people with or without ADHD! (It also tends to sound intelligent when you refer to it this way. Bonus!) Another way of seeing this is being present with yourself. You can’t moderate behavior you’re not paying attention to! Now I know our brains cannot do this all the time. If you drift out of this awareness try the following ideas as backup.
Practice Active Listening: When speaking with someone it's important to actively listen to what they are saying. (Duh!) Looking people in the eye, nodding, and providing verbal cues to show that you're engaged and understanding their points. This means not waiting your turn to speak but focusing on what they are saying. in order to respond to it.
Some people find it handy to repeat some of what the person is saying in their heads. Like when you read a book. Try focusing on the subject of what they are saying vs the details. ie, “They’re talking about their dog and how they miss them.”
Be curious. Ask questions. You have to listen to do this so look for something interesting in what people are saying.
Start your response based off the last one or two sentences the last speaker said. This ensures they feel like you’re listening and helps maintain a conversational flow.
If your attention Tokyo drifts off there’s no foul in saying so, and asking someone to repeat themselves. Again this shows your intent to listen to them and lets you practice apologizing if you feel it’s necessary. (below)
Visualize the Conversation: If you’re having trouble tracking a conversation in larger groups it helps to come up with a creative way, ideally all your own, to remember who is talking and who was just talking.
I like to imagine the speaker as a bouncing ball that is being tossed between participants. When I started doing this conversations became easier to track. I was able to know if I had the ball too much and also know who had the ball previous to me or the current speaker. That allowed me to actually chain together different things people had said in my responses.
Who has the ball? = Who is speaking.
When you’re speaking you have the ball - Remember to share!
Bonus points if you can chain together what more than one person said when you respond!
Pay Attention to Body Language: You don’t need to go overboard here or you can quickly over do it and start looking into every nuance in someone’s facial expressions.
People often face the person they want to speak with or are interested in. (Good dating tip!) This can help you understand when it’s a good time to interject or understand why someone isn’t paying you much attention.
Facial expressions can tell you if you have interrupted someone allowing you to follow up with a quick apology. “I’m sorry I think I interrupted you. What were you saying?” Doing this not only acknowledges a possible mistake but also puts the importance on the other person. This can go a long way with anyone.
Apologizing is a STRENGTH: (Did you notice I brought this up twice already?) The ability to apologize if you have interrupted someone takes guts! Even if you’re not sure you did, it goes a long way to ask or apologize anyway. Ideally you can avoid the RSD in the room and see how your ability to apologize for a mistake takes integrity and sometimes bravery. You’ve already accepted you will interrupt so having strategies to deal with this can not only reduce anxiety but make you stand out in a group!
Apologize in a way that acknowledge a POSSIBLE mistake and puts attention back to the previous speaker.
“I’m sorry, I think I interrupted you. What were you saying?”
“Oh man I had to get that out because what you were saying was so interesting. Back to you!”
“Whoops, I think I interrupted you. What you were saying was so interesting it got me thinking on….”
“I’m sorry, I think you were talking about X and I got derailed with Y.”
People love to be seen and heard and the acknowledgment that you may have interrupted someone tells the speaker they are important to you.
How can you make your Impulsivity work for you?
Look, I get it. Impulsivity often gets us into trouble. I’m not saying this is easy and all snowflakes and candy! (Rainbows and candy?) What I am advocating for is knowing yourself to attenuate yourself and knowing how to apologize for mistakes. These two tactics can help balance out those outings where you start as “life of the party,” and end up being |”the guy who overdid it.”
With balance in mind, think about moments in your life where you shined. Moments where you were appreciated for being you. Were you impulsively interrupting someone who was being rude to someone else? That looks like BRAVERY and EMPATHY to me.
Or how about jumping into a new experience to pave the way for people who may be trepidatious? Have you ever had someone thank you for going first? Our ADHD impulsivity can be great in tons of different situations that we often forget.
So here’s my ask….. take five minutes to write down three moments in your life where your impulsivity worked to your advantage. There may be some gold to mine from those memories that could lead to a career shift, trying out for a play, taking up a new hobby, or jumping into a new relationship. Maybe you too are an actor in disguise! At minimum I hope that seeing the strengths of being you feels good for just a moment.
I would not have gotten to wrestle with a young male lion cub if not for my impulsivity. (Whole other story!) What great adventures could happen if you let yourself BE YOU a bit more in the right situation for YOU?
Last one, I swear. So cool!