Believe in Yourself: Cultivating Confidence and Self-Esteem with ADHD - Part 2
Do you ever feel like your ADHD brain is undermining a more vibrant you? Years of mistakes, missed deadlines, and “small” comments from those around us can chip away at our confidence and self-image. Our ADHD brains are especially tuned to over focus on all that negative information! Fortunately, you can fight back with very simple techniques that take seconds! Let an ADHD Coach, with ADHD himself, show you how he helps his client’s take charge of their AWESOME brains!
My prompts for this ai generated image included, "The brain looks overwhelmed." Hilarious. Look how cute he is!
If you haven’t read the first part of this three part post I highly recommend you go check that out HERE. I cover the most common ways people with ADHD, especially adults, suffer from low confidence and self worth and explain how “reality” relates to your self-perception.
Part 3: Even more simple and effective techniques for improving that confidence and self-worth for adults with ADHD!
A short preamble: When I discovered I had ADHD at 43 I found there were a lot of “how to ADHD” articles online. Very rarely did these articles go into why or how these suggestions and techniques actually work. In my own coaching practice I’ve found many of my clients grok these techniques faster when they can see and understand how they work. Us ADHDers don’t always like to be told what to do. It’s hard to ignore advice when it makes sense. So let’s jump in!
Three ways to change your self-image and build confidence when you have ADHD
Life is overwhelming enough, especially with ADHD. As an adult with ADHD, you may have had many years of your life spent feeling like you’re reacting instead of being in charge. Our brains are very good at this! (Did you know ADHDers tend to be drawn to and excel at fast paced jobs like emergency room workers?) To counter reactionary behavior we must begin to slow things down by PAUSING to look at what we are thinking, feeling, and doing. I’m going to show you how in one second or less. You can’t fail either!
Slowing Down with ADHD
For some of you reading this post it’s entirely possible that “slowing things down” sounds ridiculous or impossible! Ridiculous because maybe you’ve always had a “full head” of chatter? Or maybe you’re so used to the speed of your brain that the concept of anything different seems foreign. Everyone’s head is this faced paced…..right? Or maybe it seems impossible because you’ve tried to slow things down before and couldn’t, for whatever reason. Which is legit. It may not be you. Sometimes our jobs or the people and environments we are surrounded by can make this difficult.
So how do you slow your ADHD brain down? Stop reading this text and notice the first thing that pops into your head when it starts speaking. I’ll wait…………………….
Did your brain start talking? Were you aware of it? You may have even gotten a few “inside voice sentences” deep before you spotted it. Either way you just succeeded! You built some space in your head! Good job! You have succeeded! How does it feel? What could it feel like if you did this more often AND added in PAUSES to notice what you’re feeling or doing? What amazing insights could you have about yourself!? What if you asked yourself “Why am I thinking this?” Magic starts here with us ADHDers!
When we PAUSE to take notice of our internal world we force our brains to stop moving forward and/or reacting to outside and even internal stimuli. Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a negative thought like, “You always do this!” and your brain immediately reacts, “You gotta stop doing this!” Your brain literally reacts to itself. Don’t you think it’s time to change this? You already PAUSED it before, moments ago while reading this post. So let’s do that again and slow things down so we can take charge! Yes please!
CHOICE IS THE PAUSE BETWEEN STIMULUS AND RESPONSE.
Challenge Negative Thoughts to build self-esteem with ADHD:
Our thoughts have a powerful impact on our self-esteem. Adults with ADHD often have an over-enthusiastic running inner monologue filled with self-criticism. If you’ve ever listened to one of those “ADHD Simulator” videos you’ll know what I’m talking about. (Try this one out by @olivialutfallah over on YouTube.) Our brains have a tendency to “go off task,” literally, when we’re trying to get things done. (Here’s a great video with Ed Hallowell explaining “the demon” inside all our ADHD brains!) For us, that often feels like a bunch of little extraneous thoughts going off that seem to be associated off of what we are doing, thinking, seeing, or feeling. Unfortunately, due to our over-focus on the negative, these voices often say nasty things like, “You always forget that!,” or, “I have to stop doing that! Why do I keep doing it!” As an adult with ADHD you’ve had years of this type of language going off in your head ‘popcorn style’ pointing out and complaining about your problems and deficiencies. When that type of internal language is the majority of how your brain thinks it can have a serious impact on our self-image.
ADHD Coach Insight for better understanding: Another way to look at this is to externalize your internal thoughts and visualize them as someone standing right in front of you. What do they look like? How big are they? Are they represented as even human? Maybe your internal voice is, as one of my client’s calls it, “a gremlin!” Maybe it’s even a parent? (Ah therapy!) However you perceive these voices imagine a room full of these people, one for each habit of thought. Now imagine them all speaking these negative thoughts to you. Pretty fucking awful huh? How small might you get with a room full of doubters and naysayers? (Jesus I’m starting to tear up writing this imagining a room full of people shouting at someone.) Do you get it now? You wouldn’t let someone talk to a good friend or loved one that way in real life would you? Why is your internal reality any less real?
Understanding the Rules of our ADHD Brains
To reverse this process we need to understand the rules of this tragic game. There’s more than two “rules” but I’m going to focus on the two outstanding ones:
Rule # 1: Our brains are basically prediction machines that guess at the world around us to efficiently create, sometimes false, understanding. (Check the additional reading at the bottom!) What this means is your brain is going to be predicting what it should think and feel when it’s in a situation similar to a past one. Let’s prove this…
Think of a place you enjoy being. Is it a cafe or possibly a friends dinner table? Maybe it’s under a specific blanket reading a book. Think about this place and notice the “feel good” feelings that come up. You’re not actually there but your brain has already begun to predict how you “should” feel. Crazy right? This is also problem #1.
Rule #2: Our brains associate thoughts, feelings, and actions, with stimuli in the world. Raise your hand if the ping on your phone for work emails or calls from your boss elicits an anxious or uncomfortable feeling. While this can happen for people with and without ADHD, it’s us ADHDers who struggle to block out stimuli such as a ping on your phone and the incoming feelings. For non-ADHDers however the world is less intrusive in that their brains are more capable of staying on task and filtering out non-task related stimuli like, say, a phone call from your boss. ADHD brains don’t have the same “control guard rails” on thinking, feeling, and doing that other non-ADHDers do. This makes us extra strong associative thinkers. (The cool part about this is it can make us wicked fast learners.) The downside of this means we get distracted, or off mental task, very easily. If you jump back to this ADHD simulator video I previously linked you’ll notice that as the narrator sees a new object her brain jumps the tracks from one task to a different one. This is problem #2.
How to Replace Negative Thoughts and Feelings with Positive Ones
Starting with Problem #1 we’re going to accept your brain is going to tell you what to think and feel based on what’s happening around you. Taking charge of your brain means PAUSING to create CHOICE. Identify these negative thoughts and feelings and challenging their validity and usefulness. Ask yourself:
Is this thought based on facts or assumptions?
Is a past experience dictating the present in a helpful way?
Would I say this to a friend?
What evidence do I have that contradicts this thought?
Is this even useful right now? Could I write it down and deal with it later? (For people with ADHD we find that writing things down helps us get it out of our heads to deal with later!)
Most of this is a logical approach to your behaviors. “But we’re talking about my emotions too Coach Tyler!” I hear you say. So let’s take all this negatively draining chatter that is useless, cruel, or illogical and flip it on its head!
How to Challenge Negative Thoughts in a way that Works for People with ADHD
So what we want to do here is basically called pattern interrupt and replacement. If you’ve every gone to a therapist and done some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, you’ll know what I’m talking about here. The jist is identifying one thought and it’s associated feelings and putting in place a different, corresponding thought or feeling to change your behavior. You’re literally building a new behavior while you deflate the other one. This does take time. Your brain has had years to develop that inner rude monologue! Here’s some examples:
“You’re going to interrupt everyone you talk to at this party! —> “You have lots of interesting things to say and we just gotta work on a quick apology if you interrupt.”
“That email is going to be bad news.” —> “Statistically I know they usually aren’t.”
“You’re such a clutz!” —> “Hey, we all make mistakes.”
“You’re going to get pulled into so many useless meetings tomorrow.” —> “Not helpful right now! Let’s make a reminder to check on this later.”
ADHD Coach solution for Problem #2: Now building habits takes time. For ADHDers we also struggle to even remember to work on the habit in the first place! We can literally get sidetracked second to second. This will happen when you’re trying to stick to building new habits. To combat this my biggest recommendation is to make external reminders on, near, or when you’re around the external source of our negative self-talk. If a physical location or object prompts a response then let’s put a reminder on or near it! Use note cards, stickies, or whatever you’ve got, with something written on it to interrupt your normal visual pattern. For example, let’s say when driving to work where your brain has time to wander, you over-focus on how you’re often late to meetings and you’re going to lose your job. Now make a sticky note for your car dashboard to remind you to work on this habit. Write something on it that feels good and is directed at changing this behavior. This could be:
“Catch yourself worrying about meetings and remind yourself you have set alarms on all your meetings. You’ve got this!”
“When you think you’re always late change it to “I’m late rarely now.”
“It’s not actually true you’re late to every meeting. Your brain is tricking you!”
You can also use calendar reminders, alarms on your phone, etc, to remind you more often to practice your new habit of thought! What if your home screen was a reminder to speak kindly to yourself? Think of how often you’d be reminded to practice your new habit. If this feels silly then great! All that means is your ADHD brain is way too far over in the serious side of things and needs some rebalancing! Give this a try. Put a note (visually intrusive - big, colorful, etc.) where you happen to think negative thoughts or feelings. It takes time but definitely works! (And yes, you can be brave and put notes up at work!)
When I rebuilt myself my entire office was covered in "prompts" of the habits and awareness I wanted to build. A big part of that was rebuilding my self image. Along the way I discovered my joy and natural strengths in coaching.
The work you put in now could relieve all that future worry and anxiety and make room for thinking better of yourself and the world around you!
Bonus Points: For stubborn thoughts that only grow by trying to outthink them, try putting a rubber-band on your wrist and “snap it” when you think the thought. It won’t hurt much and is great for pulling your brain off what it’s working on. Alternatively do something with your body! Jumping jacks, big stretch, step outside and back in again.
YOU CAN’T OUT THINK OVERTHINKING.
Look how happy this brain is focusing on his strengths! More of that yes please!
Focus on Your Strengths, Not Weaknesses
I want to get one concern I have for this common strategy of focusing on your strengths out of the way before we go into a full explanation of it as a tool…..
Focusing on Strengths does not Mean Ignoring your Weaknesses
To a certain degree, we do want to pay attention to our weaknesses. We just don’t want all our attention to be imbalanced towards them. Being aware of your weaknesses, and more importantly accepting them, allows you to mitigate the adverse impacts they may have on your life. This process is a strength you can cultivate! Imagine saying to someone, “One of my strengths is my ability to see and deal with my weaknesses.” How great could that feel?
If you’re struggling to figure out or mediate some weakness you’re aware of it may be time to ask for help. An ADHD Coach such as myself or maybe a therapist, if you’re really stuck, can help greatly! Moving on….
Why Focusing on your strengths is great for people with ADHD
As previously explained from an evolutionary perspective (Part 1) all us people are great at over-focusing on the negative as a way to get us to deal with the issues we are struggling with. Unfortunately, us ADHDers often have that little “demon” in our heads constantly talking and complaining way more and he frankly makes crap up! This can bring our energy levels way down. When that happens it can be near impossible to be proactive in your life.
When we feel good, our energy increases, making tasks easier. Familiar activities bring less doubt and more confidence because they are informed by past experiences saying, “You CAN do this.” For those with ADHD, however, capability varies by situation. Just because you succeeded yesterday doesn't guarantee success today. Lack of sleep or social fatigue can directly impact your ability in the present. When this happens many ADHDers are left confused and deflated.
To counter this we need to build an engine inside that is regularly refilled with the awareness that you’re actually pretty good at a lot of things! You might even have some strengths! ADHD comes with unique strengths that are often overlooked such as creativity, problem-solving skills, hyperfocus, zest, lots of empathy, and a level of social awareness that can make us great detectives and negotiators!
Becoming aware of these strengths is as easy as asking your friends or your family what they are! (Make sure and go to your supportive friends and family. Not uncle John who is miserable with his life.) Now, if you can accept these strengths as part of how others see you, spend a moment sitting with them? How does it feel? Hopefully good. FEEL GOOD ENERGY IS REALLY IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE WITH ADHD and knowing how to build your specific energy can be done. I expound on this in this post: Energy Warrior: Daily Health Habits for ADHDers to Create Energizing Routines.
What’s a simple way you can focus on your strengths, even if you don’t see them?
Make a list of your strengths, put it on your phone, your bedroom wall or maybe on your office wall to remind you to think about them. Pattern interrupt FTW! Take a moment to look at it daily and acknowledge the fact that there’s more to you than just the problems or weaknesses your brain is focusing on. It’s okay if you don’t see it yet. Those around you do! When you focus on what you’re good at it becomes easier to see your value and build confidence. With that feel good energy and the knowledge of your strengths you can apply that to everyday life!
Example: If you excel in creative thinking, find ways to incorporate that strength into your work or hobbies. This can make difficult tasks easier and give you those moments of success you need to build up that confidence!
Example: If you’re friends say you are really empathetic try using that strength when you’re stuck on a particular problem you’re not motivated to start. You don’t want to fix your car but your friend across the street is a mechanic? Use that ADHD interest based brain to learn to cook and bring him some food and ask if he could help you with your car! (Pretty much all us ADHDers are creative. Use that in your problem solving!)
Example: Maybe in high school you were the class clown? Humor might be a strength. Do people find you funny? Do you use humor to lighten the mood and move through difficult situations? Strength!
ADHD Coach Insight: Remember in Part 1 when I asked if you have trouble accepting compliments? The same rules apply here as well when accepting the strengths others see in you. This is reality knocking. If it’s hard to accept consider that you may be so over focused on your weaknesses that there is no room for your strengths. How could you make space? Try applying a strength to a task or problem that you normally wouldn’t. Maybe you could prove its efficacy and hence its existence?
SELF AWARENESS AND GROWTH BEGINS WITH ACCEPTANCE OF HOW THOSE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU PERCEIVE YOU.
Practice Self-Compassion
Last, but not least, for this post is something many of us struggle with….self-compassion. Who here is guilty of treating themselves far harsher than they would their friend? (Remember that inner monologue?) It took me years to let go of the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough, often enough, or working hard enough. This wasn’t all ADHD as I had some traumas I was as of yet fully aware of. However, ADHD can keep things so fast or “high energy” in your head that your actions soon follow suit. You may find yourself in the hospital suffering from long term stress if you don’t figure out some self-compassion soon enough!
Yup. That's me subconsciously focused on the fear that I'm not working right now and not connecting that to why I'm in the hospital from overwork and stress! If you'd like more insight on how my undiagnosed ADHD affected my "over-work ethic," check out this post: "Your Value is not Your Suffering."
How to Practice Self-Compassion as an Adult with ADHD
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness, especially when things don’t go as planned. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, fails, or is impacted by life in ways they didn’t foresee. Throw in that ADHD which can completely sideline you in ways you don’t understand and any goal can suddenly become difficult to achieve. Know that your self-worth does not need to be wholly attached to your performance. Your actions are expressions of WHO you are, you are not your actions. Practicing self-compassion can reduce the negative impact of ADHD-related setbacks on your self-esteem when you struggle.
Example: If you miss a deadline, instead of berating yourself, acknowledge that you tried your best and focus on what you can do differently next time. Focus on what you’ve learned and the fact you are a person who likes to improve themselves. You can’t improve yourself without finding something you want to improve.
GROWTH AND IMPROVEMENT IS AN ITERATIVE PROCESS. IT’S OKAY TO NOT GET IT RIGHT THE FIRST, SECOND, OR FIFTH TIME.
ADHD Coach Insight: Let’s turn this on it’s head by seeing self-compassion as both work and challenge with reward. (I’m using your ADHD against you right now!) We know that people with ADHD often struggle with sitting still and even resting. Without going too deep here, know that the restlessness and discomfort you feel “doing nothing” is can be a symptom of ADHD.
Self-Compassion as Active Work, Challenge, and Reward: In order to do the stuff you want to do you have to fuel that machine you inhabit. That means healthy food, exercise, fun, and most importantly REST. If you don’t do these things you can’t do the more interesting things you want or need to do. What could happen if you looked at “rest” as an active process to practice self-compassion and provide fuel for other interests? What effort could this take? If you’re having trouble resting, stopping to eat, or even remembering to drink water during the day, isn’t this something you’re not very good at that is challenging for you to do? Maybe just sitting down and doing something fun between bursts of work is hard to do? Doesn’t that mean you would have to actively “work” at doing it? If you did surmount this challenge what reward could you give yourself at the end? Would you have more energy to do more interesting things each day?
Game your brain here! If you struggle with self-compassion and self-care then ask yourself if there’s a challenge or something interesting there for you to go after. Maybe rest, self-care, and self-compassion are actually challenge, work, and reward all in one. All of that is true if you struggle to do it! So get to work and rest! Reward awaits!
WORKING ON YOUR GOALS INCLUDES SELF-CARE. WITHOUT IT YOU CAN’T WORK.
How can ADHD Coaching Help Build my Self-Esteem?
ADHD coaching provides a supportive environment where individuals can challenge and reframe negative self-talk, fostering a more positive self-image. Plus you get to travel the path with someone else who may be intimately familiar with your unique challenges! By working with a Coach you can learn about setting achievable goals, learn how to enjoy the process of achieving them, and accept that celebrating small victories is part of what will keep you going. Coaching helps build self-esteem and encourages self-compassion by helping you reframe reality and bring your self-image back into balance. Coaches guide clients in recognizing their unique strengths and navigating difficulties, which promotes a greater understanding of their experiences. This process leads to a more balanced view of oneself, empowering individuals to embrace their differences and approach challenges with confidence and resilience.
The reality about coaching is we truly trust you to know what is best for you and how best to surmount and go after your goals! That capability is in there.
Part 2 Conclusion
Navigating life with ADHD can often feel like an uphill battle, marked by the challenges of maintaining focus, organization, and emotional regulation. It's not uncommon for individuals to experience fluctuations in confidence and self-esteem as they grapple with these obstacles especially when our emotions can swing out of balance by default.
Recognizing that ADHD does not define your abilities is crucial. It showcases unique perspectives. Embracing these differences can be empowering. It's not about following others; it's about your approach. Surrounding yourself with supportive people can help maintain balance and energy during highs and lows as you work to build up your internal self-image.
The journey may be difficult, but it's important to acknowledge that struggling with ADHD does not diminish your potential. If anything, the work needed to really thrive with ADHD will show such great strength you may find yourself helping people without ADHD with the same issues you’ve faced! Changing reality happens all the time and the key is your ability to shift your focus as often as you can until it becomes habit. Remember, your capabilities are waiting to shine, if you let them.
To think about: Right now, what is one thought you could catch and flip into something that feels good? What could you write down on a post it that would feel good seeing every day? That’s it! That’s how you start!
I work with great people who are motivated to make meaningful changes in their lives!
Additional Reading:
Lisa Feldman Barrett’s Website - Our brains are basically prediction machines. Lisa Feldman Barrett is the #1 cited researcher studying emotions and has some great books and videos. If you want to go hard core check out her “Handbook of Emotions.”
Associative Learning: What It Is, Types, Characteristics And Examples- A bit dense but the jist is we ADHDers can learn quickly by not thinking linearly like most people do. This is also why we tend to be really creative and “out of the box thinkers!”